Bittersweetheart

Apparently this, the longest "day" of the year was meant for doing nothing more taxing than making fried rice and shoveling it into my gaping maw. I'm not sure where the day went. I know at one point I cried my way through "Mr. Holland's Opus." I must have busted a synapse during the beautiful boy scene because the next thing I know, I'm deeply engaged in a Lifetime Original movie starring that annoying kid from that shitty Little Miss Sunshine movie. Seems the nerdy kid knocked up some girl and much family chaos ensued.

I think there might have been some reading What Would Keith Richards Do? and I know I did the weekly podcast.

But really that's hardly enough stuff to fill the fourteen hours I've been awake so far today.

Do you ever get so busy doing stuff that you stop, look around and realize that an entire week (or realistically month) has passed when you weren't looking?

It's been four weeks since I lost my job and for someone who is unemployed, I haven't had a lot of time to slack. I'm not complaining, really, because all the work puts me further away from financial ruin. Also, it allows me to buy myself totally indulgent, unnecessary, yet totally coveted toys like an iPhone.

Oh my god, I don't think I have fell so swiftly in love with a gadget since I bought my old iBook, Jed back in 2005.

People complain about the cost of Apple products a lot, claiming they are overpriced for the power, only hipsters buy them to improve their images, blah, blah, blah. I stand by my claim that those same people have never really used Apple products.

The design is ingenious and thorough. It's like they thought of everything. Everything. From the fun way that windows are minimized to the ease of installing new applications. Every minute I spend on a Mac is a treat.

The iPhone experience has blown me away.

I was nervous. I was switching carriers (so long T-Mobile, you condescending pricks) and keeping my phone number. In my head it was sure to be a minefield laden with awkward cancellation calls and frustrated dealings with not one, but two cell phone carriers.

Bleh.

However, I am happy to report it was quite possibly the easiest thing ever. I unboxed Ziggy, plugged him into Gideon and within, oh, three minutes, he was up and running and receiving calls.

Holy shit. I'm not even exaggerating. It was just that easy.

And I love him. Never before has using a cell phone been such a pleasurable experience. So much so, I almost wish I talked on the phone more.

Almost.

I loved the book The Time Traveler's Wife. It's a moving, touching love story wrapped up in a very clever concept. It's like Harlequin romance meets sci-fi, only better written.

Seeing the trailer for the film-adaptation has frightened the hell out of me. I'm a little pissed off that Hollywood continues to ruin my favorite books (see Simon Birch that was so bad John Irving took his and Owen Meany's name off of it).

• Every Wednesday night I watch "So You Think You Can Dance" and cry about 63 times an episode. I don't know exactly why, it's a physical reaction I have to the beautiful dancing. I can always tell when a couple has done really well because I cry. I get goosebumps if they do okay. I got nothing when they suck.
• Right now my breath is so bad, I am surprised it's not gagging you out there in Internetland. I had red onions on my salad and you couple that with a bit-too-garlicy mashed potatoes you get a potent combination. I can't open my mouth while typing for fear of melting my computer's screen.
• I have not actually spoken to another human being since Wednesday, which is incidentally the last time I wore clothes that were not pajamaesque.
• This would bother me more if it didn't mean that I haven't spent any money. I need to be good for a few weeks since I ordered up a new iPhone for my birthday.
• Right now I am pretending like it doesn't bother me that I didn't finish updating my online portfolio. I had to quit because I was getting sloppy.
• High Fidelity, one of my all-time favorite movies, is on WGN right now, but it totally sucks because it's edited so horribly. I know it's edited horribly because I know the movie by heart.
• I may be addicted to banana strawberry smoothies.

Last time I ranked the Pixar movies in December 2007, I hadn't yet seen Cars and Wall-E and Up hadn't yet been released. Now I've remedied the Cars situation and as of Friday afternoon have seen all the Pixar feature-length films (and all of the short films too). I've spent the better part of this cold-ass rainy day pondering the Pixar ranking list. I've been debating with myself over storylines, art, and voice actors. I've been trying to determine if visual stunningness should beat out story or if the story's moral should beat out entertainment.

After weighing all the many factors that go into making such a list, I present to you the most true and accurate ranking of Pixar movies from best to worst that ever has existed. Here we go:

1. The Incredibles. A surprise, I know. I thought for sure Wall-E would claim the top spot too. In everyday mathmatics Robots > Superheroes. But this isn't everyday math, this is Pixar, and when you boil it all down, The Incredibles is lifted over Wall-E because of the storyline. The middle-aged superhero trying to find glory seemed a bit more original than the doom and gloom environmental tale.

2. Wall-E. If this surprises you, you're not paying attention.

3. Toy Story 2. I thought for sure Up would beat out this old horse, but I was mistaken. Toy Story 2 sure stands the test of time. I eager await the release of Toy Story 3 in 2010.

4. Up. The first 20 minutes of this one shows the most beautiful, heartbreaking romance captured on film. No lie. If the rest of the movie weren't a tad on the predicitable side, Up would have totally been elevated above Toy Story 2. However, what Up lacks in original storytelling it makes up for with visual stunningness and good, old-fashioned funny.

5. Bug's Life. Again the voice talents of Brad Foley, Phillis Diller, Julia-Louis Dreyfus, David Hyde Pierce, Kevin Spacey, and Denis Leary puts this movie in the top five easily.
 
6. Toy Story. First, does not always equal best. However, it's still pretty damn good.

7. Monsters, Inc. We've got something of a shocker here. After many years of coming in behind Ratatouille, Monsters, Inc. pulls off the upset of the century. Why? Monsters > Rats. Also even though Anton Ego's critic speech from Ratatouille remains a classic, the tale of using comedy instead of fear to gain power is a story that can't be beat.
 
8. Ratatouille. See above.

8. Cars. Not bad, but not all that good either. Anthropomorphic cars just aren't that interesting.

9. Finding Nemo. Sentimental schlock that does grow on a viewer after repeated viewing, but still, come on.

Here's the thing, I love Pixar. I really do. But if they don't start making some movies with kickass girls or women as the main character I'm going to riot. Enough with these male-dominated stories, let's hear it for the girl, at least once.

As I type it is 50 degrees and rainy out. It is also my birthday. The biggest tragedy of this day is that I will soon have to part from my pajamas, put on a bra and attend a graduation party for my cousin's kid. The only thing not making me drop to my knees and rend my garments in that I'll be wearing the glorious blue Memphis sweatshirt of heavenly comfort. It is the small things you start to take pleasure in when you get as old as me.

For my birthday I'm getting an iPhone to go with the Series Finale of Dawson's Creek, brain cell, and the Blender I got yesterday at Pepper's Birthday BBQ which I told Hotrod I wouldn't have any fun at, but instead had a lot of fun at. I also got a journal that I've already started to put to good use since I've decided I am going to write each night after reading. So far I've done it an entire night in a row. We'll see how long this lasts. I give it until tonight.

In other news, I watched this video 66 times in a row today. Because I am a dork and it is my birthday.

*The format of this column, the idea of which I stole from M-----l, is changing. I don't want to lose my 104p52w challenge on a lame technicality. So instead of writing 10-word reviews, I will be writing one sentence reviews in the hopes that will push over the 100-word threshold needed for each post.

Also, you should know that while writing this post it is raining outside, I am eating peanut m&Mms, and watching Twister for the second time in a row. I thought you would appreciate that peep into my life.

BOOKS ACQUIRED
Funny Misshapen Body by Jeff Brown (I think, I can't remember who wrote it and it's all the way over on the red chair and I am in the green chair, aka the La-Z-Grrl)
Laura Rider's Masterpiece by Jane Hamilton
Sag Harbor by Colson Whitehead

I think that might be all, I'm not sure. Max & Jaycie organized my books last weekend so I have no idea where anything really is.

BOOKS READ

 
The Umbrella Academy Vol. 1: The Apocalypse Suite by Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba: The Umbrella Academy, aka Emo Family Robinson, is a new kind of kickass superhero gang adopted by eccentric millionaire, Reginald Hargreeves, when they were all spontaneously born the same day to women with no signs of pregnancy.

The Song is You by Arthur Phillips: In this amazing novel, a 40something dude deals with a mid-life crisis by pursuing a 20something Irish soon-to-be rockstar in a weird cat and mouse courtship, and along the way discusses the intensely personal relationship we have with music.

Laura Rider's Masterpiece by Jane Hamilton: In this midling chicklit write off, Laura Rider sets up Jenna Faroili, a local Public Radio personality, to have an affiar with her husband, and then not-quite-wacky hijinks ensue.

German for Travelers by Norah Labiner: A novel about a movie star and romance novelist who are cousins investigating family secrets in Berlin that kicks so much ass that it's nearly impossible to comprehend that much ass being kicked.

Twin Study by Stacey Richter: A collection of a-fucking-mazing short stories that include cavemen invading suburbia, a Jew living in a christmas village with a pot-smoking bat boy for a next door neighbor, and a set of estranged twins who come together to participate in a scientific study.

CURRENTLY READING
The Rock Snob's Dictionary by David Kamp and Steven Daly
It Still Moves by Amanda Petrusich

Also on deck for Rock & Roll June:
What Would Keith Richards Do?
Flowers & Thorns by Bret Michaels
and some others that I can't remember the titles to at the moment.

I'm here over at Casa de Kimball for some burned meat foods and they've been watching the Food Network. I've never been so hungry after eating a meal in my entire life.

It's some sort of burger or hot dog or junk food marathon and I can't take my eyes off of it. It's genius. One dude put bacon and chorizo right inside a burger. Genius!

Now they're at The Wienery in Minneapolis, a place I may have to go visit when I leave here.

Jaycie keeps talking about how everything looks so disgusting, but I chalk that up to her naivetey. Because really, chili cheese fries are the best thing to ever happen to food in America. Well maybe the second best, because now I've seen chorizo and bacon inside a hamburger. Bacon and chorizo. God bless America.